.....and our world blows up.....

It's tomorrow. He will leave. The court stuff with his kids is still up in the air, but he has to go anyways. It's the most depressing day I've ever experienced in my whole life. It's like we are walking around this ginormous house waiting for someone to die. The clock is ticking, hours are slipping and no one knows what to day or what to do........

I folded laundry, watered plants, burnt some of my brush pile.... all with tears streaming down my face. I look up and see him standing down the sidewalk, talking to the neighbor and I think....wow... how long before I ever see that again. I hear him laughing in the other room with the kids and I think.... will I even remember what that sounded like a year from now? I know... it's a year... just a year.... but that's just it... It's not a few days, it's not a month or a couple of weeks..... It's a year. Think to yourself how things in your life have changed since a year ago. Think about who you talked to then and who you spend time with now..... change is inevitable, especially in the face of absence. I'm scared to death. I'm strong, I can handle the day to day, the house, the kids, the bills, the yard. I do it all the time. I cannot handle him just not being there. I cannot handle the emotional side of this. It is heartbreaking, it is killing me.

He will miss all of the first big holidays in our new house...... our anniversary- only our third- heck, we are still newlyweds .... not that it ever mattered, but wow....so much....... so much time, so many days, so many weeks...... and I'm thoroughly depressed and emotionally distraught. Call it weak, call it a panic.... I don't even care.

10..9..8..7....

I'm so scared about how I will feel when he gets in that car and drives away. Already panic is setting in, I cannot sleep, I cannot look at him, I cannot go a day without crying.... It's like the world as I know it no longer exists and is replaced with something totally foreign to me.

It took me 20 yrs to find him again and now we have to part all over again. Life not being fair is the understatement of the year.........

Sorry for the randomness, it is all I have today.

Preparing........

Two weeks, 14 days.......

It is harder than I thought ever possible.

So, last night spent the evening weeding flower beds, anything to keep my occupied. I have projects lined up to last me a lifetime. Our sign in the front yard has been painted and is going to be a place for the kids to write their well wishes......

I look forward to when it can be switched over to a huge Welcome Home for him........

I was able to add a clock to my cell phone which will keep me up to date on the time of day it is for him in Kuwait. It is an 8 hr time difference, so his calls will come at the weirdest times, or his time on the computer will be off compared to mine, so I have to be on top of things so I don't miss the chance for communication.

I'm trying to do just as much as I can to be up on things and prepare myself for this separation we are going to experience........

I hope that we survive this and can get "us" back to normal as soon as possible when he returns. I hope that we are strong enough for this........

Two weeks.........

Tomorrow is the start of the two week countdown to the departure of my husband. July 1st will mark a day I know I will never forget and one that I'm not sure how to prepare for. As with everything in our world, it cannot just be one thing to deal with, we like to add multitude of things to our plate.

Two hours after he leaves I have to be in court to face his ex wife regarding child support issues. I'm not thinking I will be in much shape for this, but of course, it is my responsibility....one of many. After running up a tab of over $13,000 of unpaid child support, hopefully the bright side of this is that funds will start coming our way. Raising six children is expensive and with a lack of parental support on the side of half of them, it is a strain.

I've decided that with him leaving, and with the stress of this court thing... I'm out! The minute court is over, I'm packing up the kids and heading south. I have to drop one off in Georgia and I'm heading there pretty darn quick. I just want to escape, I admit it. But who wouldn't want to really. I don't want to face my home without him there. I don't want to walk into our room and know that it is just the start of the longest year of my life.

I'm attempting to be strong, I'm attempting to not worry, but I'm failing I know. I'm attempting to just breathe... About as good as I can do.

I might stand alone..... but at least I'm still standing....for now.....

I feel rather alone. How is that with 9 people living in my house and family always close by? I just feel like I'm dealing with so many things, from so many directions that the only person who can completely understand, completely know what is going on is myself. It's scary.

Jeffrey is focused on what he should be focused on.... his kids, his job, his well being. I cannot fault him there I suppose. The military holds their hand through this though and helps them from beginning to end. What do they do for me? "Here is a handbook, here- renew your vows and all will be good, here is a list of strangers phone numbers in case of emergencies." Are ya joking? I refused to attend anything that had to do with "prepartion" for this nightmare that we are facing. We have six kids, a blended family, so much animosity amongst the extended family.... wait, did I say animosity? I meant to say hatred and visciousness from the extended family........nothing will be preparing me for this. Renewing our vows? Really?? They had a big mass military vow renewal..... strengthen your marriage in his absense. The only thing in this world that can strengthen our marriage is his always complete honesty - which I know I don't get- and a constant show of support from him- which I know I won't get. So yeah..... 2 1/2 yrs in and we are rocking along in a boat on a torrential sea.........and he's leaving and all is supposed to be grand at home.

Every website I get on gives me this bullshit about "don't question him about what happens over there, just welcome him home, however he returns and go forward." Again..... are ya joking?

I have so many thoughts and fears going through my head. I keep replaying the what-if's which is not the way to be I know, but it is hard to shut those off. I keep wondering if I will survive the bullshit that will be waiting for me when he leaves. His family has made threats to remove the kids from my care one way or another. I don't doubt that they will try.

If I make it through this year it will be a miracle. If I handle everything that is thrown my way I will be absolutely surprised,........

18.....and the tears, they fall like rain......

I cannot stop crying. It's a horrible way to be I know, but I just cannot even look at him without tears rolling. I cannot think about the next year, and going that many days without seeing his face. But this time is over-shadowed by so many other things in our life that I cannot even think straight half the time.

This should be a time of together, yet we are so apart it is unreal. But maybe it is real. We are married, yet most holidays, important times in our life, are all spent seperately. His family takes precedence, has from the beginning. They see me as "white trash" don't ya know..... I'm not "worthy" of the Bell last name. I'm not up to their "standards" be it with how I live, how I parent my children, my influence on his children. You name it and I am the epitome of failure in their eyes.

My husband is deploying in 18 days, yet his "going away" shindig is with them. I've planned a seperate one, but not sure now if it will happen as his mom has planned hers the same day. Of course, my three children are losing someone important in their life too, but they are not included in anything that is "Bell" related, because as my children, they too are "white trash" and "not worthy"........

I so could just crawl into my bed and bury my head in the covers and just wish the world away. It would be just a pleasant change. My heart is broken in a million little pieces as I face this. I face this alone. I have no one that I lean on, no one that I can cry to, vent to, none of that.

I feel sorry for my children. They are the ones who hold my hand, tell me it will be fine, hand me tissues as I'm bawling.... they have been my rock and without them I would be lost.

This should be just a normal deployment, but it is not. There is no support system in place for us. It is me and them, along with my spares. My mom is emotionally supportive, yet too far away. My father has not yet grasped the definition of supportive. He gets it confused with judgmental and unemotional and condescending. I know.... easy mistake there. Our family is blended, his and mine.... yet the hatred held between his family and myself makes for that side of things to be strained, difficult, disgusting and an outlandish amount of grief brought on by them........ Their empty threats have helped keep my stress level at an all time high. Their judgment is falling on deaf ears (most of the time) and their hold on their son has kept us up in arms most of the time.

He has as much a strained relationship with them, yet cannot distance himself ...... scratch that. He chooses not to distance himself. In this case... blood wins..... which always equals... I lose.

..................the tears.... I supppose I should just get used to them as they are a daily reminder that I am in this situation and I have only myself to blame, and only myself to rely on............. FML..... x45464568478461 [and then some]

Disappointment is hard to swallow......

When you come across something that you didn't expect it is hard to deal I must say. Yesterday was that day. I'm here to tell you and my children can vouch for this.... I find out everything. Maybe not the minute it happens, maybe it takes a few days, but eventually I find out and when I do.....it's not pretty.

Yesterdays' big "reveal" involved my oldest step-son, the internet, the phone and a ton of people he doesn't know. But thanks to his bad choices, he racked up phone bills that he shouldn't have, he talked to a bunch of strangers all over the United States, telling them where he lived, his phone number, etc.... Maybe they were teenagers like himself.... Maybe it was harmless teenage stuff, but I was not happy, his dad was not happy, our phone bill was not happy.....

What makes a person reach out to so many that will never be a "real" person. This kid of mine is searching for relationships with people he will never see face to face in his whole life. Listening to us explain to him that he lives in a new town, will be going to  a new school, all with so many opportunities to meet new people, yet he focuses on his computer. His link to a world he will never visit. To "friends" and "girlfriends" that he says are real and that he has real feelings about, when really he doesn't know them, he won't ever see them.

Is our world so caught up in the "online" aspect of things that talking in person isn't even necessary. He called a few his "girlfriend" yet would never ever see them in his whole life, how is that a relationship? How is that a commitment?

On the flip side... how many of them were teenagers? How many were pedophiles? Who can tell. I only know that he didn't take that into consideration at all. With younger brothers and sister in the house, he put a lot of them in danger had he messaged, texted, or contacted the "wrong" teenager.

I'm disappointed in his bad choices. I'm concerned that with his dad leaving it will only get worse. Reading over the statuses that he had posted, so many of them were vile, derogatory, hateful comments directed at me. He's counting down the days until he can move out.

I am so up in the air about it all. He has no phone, no computer now. His dad did the whole discussion thing. Let's hope it works!