I feel rather alone. How is that with 9 people living in my house and family always close by? I just feel like I'm dealing with so many things, from so many directions that the only person who can completely understand, completely know what is going on is myself. It's scary.
Jeffrey is focused on what he should be focused on.... his kids, his job, his well being. I cannot fault him there I suppose. The military holds their hand through this though and helps them from beginning to end. What do they do for me? "Here is a handbook, here- renew your vows and all will be good, here is a list of strangers phone numbers in case of emergencies." Are ya joking? I refused to attend anything that had to do with "prepartion" for this nightmare that we are facing. We have six kids, a blended family, so much animosity amongst the extended family.... wait, did I say animosity? I meant to say hatred and visciousness from the extended family........nothing will be preparing me for this. Renewing our vows? Really?? They had a big mass military vow renewal..... strengthen your marriage in his absense. The only thing in this world that can strengthen our marriage is his always complete honesty - which I know I don't get- and a constant show of support from him- which I know I won't get. So yeah..... 2 1/2 yrs in and we are rocking along in a boat on a torrential sea.........and he's leaving and all is supposed to be grand at home.
Every website I get on gives me this bullshit about "don't question him about what happens over there, just welcome him home, however he returns and go forward." Again..... are ya joking?
I have so many thoughts and fears going through my head. I keep replaying the what-if's which is not the way to be I know, but it is hard to shut those off. I keep wondering if I will survive the bullshit that will be waiting for me when he leaves. His family has made threats to remove the kids from my care one way or another. I don't doubt that they will try.
If I make it through this year it will be a miracle. If I handle everything that is thrown my way I will be absolutely surprised,........
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