I cannot stop crying. It's a horrible way to be I know, but I just cannot even look at him without tears rolling. I cannot think about the next year, and going that many days without seeing his face. But this time is over-shadowed by so many other things in our life that I cannot even think straight half the time.
This should be a time of together, yet we are so apart it is unreal. But maybe it is real. We are married, yet most holidays, important times in our life, are all spent seperately. His family takes precedence, has from the beginning. They see me as "white trash" don't ya know..... I'm not "worthy" of the Bell last name. I'm not up to their "standards" be it with how I live, how I parent my children, my influence on his children. You name it and I am the epitome of failure in their eyes.
My husband is deploying in 18 days, yet his "going away" shindig is with them. I've planned a seperate one, but not sure now if it will happen as his mom has planned hers the same day. Of course, my three children are losing someone important in their life too, but they are not included in anything that is "Bell" related, because as my children, they too are "white trash" and "not worthy"........
I so could just crawl into my bed and bury my head in the covers and just wish the world away. It would be just a pleasant change. My heart is broken in a million little pieces as I face this. I face this alone. I have no one that I lean on, no one that I can cry to, vent to, none of that.
I feel sorry for my children. They are the ones who hold my hand, tell me it will be fine, hand me tissues as I'm bawling.... they have been my rock and without them I would be lost.
This should be just a normal deployment, but it is not. There is no support system in place for us. It is me and them, along with my spares. My mom is emotionally supportive, yet too far away. My father has not yet grasped the definition of supportive. He gets it confused with judgmental and unemotional and condescending. I know.... easy mistake there. Our family is blended, his and mine.... yet the hatred held between his family and myself makes for that side of things to be strained, difficult, disgusting and an outlandish amount of grief brought on by them........ Their empty threats have helped keep my stress level at an all time high. Their judgment is falling on deaf ears (most of the time) and their hold on their son has kept us up in arms most of the time.
He has as much a strained relationship with them, yet cannot distance himself ...... scratch that. He chooses not to distance himself. In this case... blood wins..... which always equals... I lose.
..................the tears.... I supppose I should just get used to them as they are a daily reminder that I am in this situation and I have only myself to blame, and only myself to rely on............. FML..... x45464568478461 [and then some]
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